Crow Left Of The Murder

I have a Ph.D. in Bioinorganic Chemistry and I am also a former Director of a Health Research Center and a Ph.D. Program in Environmental Toxicology at a local college (the research focused on the identification, quantification, and toxicological effect of environmental pollutants in air, water, and soil).  I enjoyed my work and sometimes love it.  But my true love is Theoretical Physics, especially String Theory (The Theory of Everything) as it applies to the eleven extra dimensions. I get confused sometimes but if forced to pick just one, gay would be it.  It may happen along the way, but falling in love and finding the one is not something that has to happen.  Lust is enough at this point in my life.  I am hopelessly attracted to fit, lean, skinny dudes with striated pecs and abs, but, like Chris Daughtry’s Lioness (via the album Dearly Beloved), I will happily surrender myself to any woman with Big Dick Energy and scream her name as she eats me alive. Even if complex, I am happily in my skin.

Although the LGBT community is well- represented in the sciences, many of whom are quite learned and famous, it is still an awkward existence for me. I am an undisputed nerd.  The myth that most scientists are natural nerds doesn’t fit the reality I live in.  Most gay scientists are actually quite comfortable in their environment and quite well-adjusted.  Some of the male scientists are not only intellectually gifted but also quite handsome and sexy. I, on the other hand, am not.  I love to listen to R&B and rock music, read gay yaoi novels, watch Thai Boys Love dramas, and critique singing competitions (e.g., American Idol & The Voice) but am also hopelessly addicted to the board game Go and the e-sports game, League of Legends.

A few years ago, I watched Remember The Titans and determined that Ryan Gosling was the sexiest dude alive, actually developed an abiding crush on this masculine cutie while watching The Slaughter Rule, and embarrassed myself by being the only male in my section without a pink-clothed little girl in tow to watch Barbie.  I decided that since I’d never meet Ryan Gosling, and since he is straight, it was okay to indulge my fantasy and allow myself to lust after him from afar. After all, how long does a crush last?  Turns out, some linger.  I still have an abiding crush on Ryan Gosling and I still think he is the sexiest man alive. Presently, the only thing that can pull my attention away from this vision of masculine beauty is an internet challenge from an over-confident, so-called expert to compete in League of Legends or a game of Go (which I fell in love with and learned to play after watching the Chinese bromance drama, Hikaru No Go).  Are you starting to understand this crazy life?  There’s more. I am also a 5ft 6 inch tall, 130 pound, black man.  How many short, skinny, black dudes do you know that are in love with Quantum Mechanics, String Theory, League of Legends, Go, Yaoi, Thai Boys Love dramas, skinny dudes, and lust after Ryan Gosling?  Not many I’ll bet.   

I knew that I was a “crow left of the murder” (the name of a music album by the group, Incubus) after participating in an online forum about the Thai Boys Love drama, Vice Versa, which tells the story of two young men that fall in love in parallel universes.  I thought this was the perfect site to discuss what I had learned about String Theory, Big Bang, The Many Worlds Theory, Particle Entanglement, etc. and how these principles applied to Vice Versa. I argued that travel between the two universes connected by a wormhole was probably indicative of travel between the third and fifth dimensions. I was told by forum members that there was no need to understand these principles; that I should just enjoy the drama and shut up.  So I did and soon returned to my usual String Theory forum and broached the subject there, and was also rebuffed: “Why would we want to talk about a gay love story on a physics forum?” This happens a lot in my life and is just one example of trying too hard to belong to a group.

Since I don’t fit in with any group, I decided to forge my own path. After all, there must be a sub-segment of people in one of our ten dimensions who are gay for fit skinny men but are oddly attracted to women with Big Dick Energy, are scientists, love to read yaoi novels, watch Thai Boys Love dramas, critique singing competitions, love to play League of Legends and Go, and are hopelessly in love both String Theory and sex-on-legs Ryan Gosling. I am reminded of Albert Einstein’s famous quote: “The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever seen before.”  With this blog, I aim to find those places and you are welcome to join me in my search.